pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!