Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.