I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”