Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
i think we should see other cousins
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?