Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.