“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.