@libbycwatson: i’m like a biiiird / i wanna shit on cars
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@seamussaid: my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I'm being very selective so she learns to have standards
@MollySneed: "I'm glad you're so normal. It's refreshing." "That's me- totally normal!" *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
@JPHaddadio: They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend] Me: *Leading her in blindfolded* GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?