I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.