I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.