Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
i did the math
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My inexpensive home security system…
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
All generalizations are stupid.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit