My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
✌🏽
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes