@XOperfectmessXO: I'm like a kid. People like me best when I'm quiet or sleeping.
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@DJRotaryRachel: A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@cameronesposito: i married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
@OutOnTheMoors: "Comedians" don't RT because? A. Their tweets are pure gold. B. This is just a joke-tryout site. C. They know we're all funnier than them.