@DaddyJew: I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
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@internetluke: [at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
@boring_as_heck: Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
@david8hughes: Her: I like smart guys Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase
@beefman138: My local police department must really love me. They've devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as 'outstanding'.