I’ve had relationships like this
You Might Also Like
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
S O O N
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m so full I could puke a horse
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.