im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
You Might Also Like
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius