im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
oh shit
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now