Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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In space, no one can hear…
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.