Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
You Might Also Like
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
meanwhile over on facebook
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
ready to be harvested
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Ferrari squats