I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me checking my bank balance online.