I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen