I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.