I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we