I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
is this a threat
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break