I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby