I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
technically true but not a great slogan
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”