@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
@VerifiedDrunk: Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don't think I'm hungry for lunch anymore. .
@ThaJawn: *googles murder tips
*adds "asking for a friend" at the end of each search
They won't be able to prove a thing!
@dulcetry: One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said "friggity diggity" please do not rt
@squirrel74wkgn: [standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
@iwearaonesie: mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can't use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice