@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
@Midgetspar: My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, "I miss you dad, please take me fishing." But it keeps coming out like, "Hey, can I have $20 dollars."
@living_marble: "Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!"
"Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?"
@MissNaughty1801: Him:I'm not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don't be so hasty darling...give them another chance
@MarkAgee: "Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?"
TRUMP: OK first, I've seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
@Schindizzle: The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.