@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl?
Her: No, I'd love that
Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready
@Auzzie78: Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
@HollyMemphis: Terminator: "Come with me if you want to live."
Me: "Oh, no thank you."
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
@bridger_w: If I had a dog I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh