@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
@JhonRules: Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
@TheBeerGuy73: Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
@Storminika: My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway.
@Shanehasabeard: If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus.
@Robert_Beau: I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.