@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
@ThoughtOtter: *hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
"You didn't see anything, baby."
@TrueTorontoGirl: Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
@illTortuga: I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
@MAKJ: Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
@HatfieldAnne: Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.