@BGH70: I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it?
@Contwixt: If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.
@blaha_Who: You don't know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
@SteveInevitable: When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter...
@Reverend_Scott: I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.