I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
You Might Also Like
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”