“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls