“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You Might Also Like
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Oh my god
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..