best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure