@robdelaney: I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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@Reverend_Scott: Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
@generaldietz: Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes. Her: What do you do with the time saved? Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
@tigersgoroooar: Killer with knife to my throat: it's ironic how you're about to die in your living room. Me: actually, that's not really what ironic means.