I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
smartest karate player in the world
🤣🤣🤣
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*