I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.