i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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When my kids ask me anything before coffee
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”