@motorace177: I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
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@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
@SerialFuckup: Today's life lesson: "I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake."
@LoneWolfStories: It's like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.