I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’