I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
the world’s most popular steaming services
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”