Brb my Sims are getting married
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
this is the best interaction on twitter
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.