if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”