I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
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[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
why I oughta
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Human are so complicated
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that