I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.