I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
no
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…