Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
damn he’s good
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle