Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.