I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
plums roundup
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.