I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*frowns in Scottish*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right