“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
HR said no more nunchucks.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.