“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The game has officially changed 😎
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
congratulations to them
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.