Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I hope they boil the right one.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!