I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.