I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
me irl
Netflix and you sit over there.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first