I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.